A Hogwarts Home Companion
by Diresquirrel
Summary: Welcome to Diagon Alley, where they food is disgusting, the clothes are out of style and all the pureblood children are below average. A Harry Potter and Prairie Home Companion crossover.
1. Brought to you by

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**A Hogwarts Home Companion**

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a Harry Potter/Prairie Home Companion crossover

by DireSquirrel

(who owns none of this)

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Act I

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So you find out that your teacher, your teacher who for the entire school year has caused you aggravation both in and out of potions class, is going after the Philosopher's Stone. The Stone, which is one of the most powerful magical items of all time, and your professor is going after it. He wants to steal it, to take it for himself. So you and your friends go to your head of house, and tell her that your professor is going to steal the Stone. Minerva McGonagall, your Head of House, the Deputy Headmistress, doesn't believe you. She doesn't even know how you found out about the Stone. But she doesn't believe you.

So you and your friends need to go on your own. Three first years against the meanest teacher in the school, but there's nobody else. So you keep going. You get passed the gigantic three headed dog; passed the plant that wants to strangle you; you manage to get the key to open the door. Your friend sacrifices himself in a gigantic game of chess, so you and your other friend can keep going. There was a troll, a troll that is much easier to pass than the last troll you came across, but only because your teacher, your evil, nasty teacher, has already killed it. Then there is the penultimate challenge, but only you can go on. Only one at a time may go through. So you do, leaving your last friend behind.

You walk through the flames, but it isn't the evil, nasty teacher you thought it would be. It's another one. But he turns and it ends up that the mass murderer who killed your parents, the dark wizard who made you an orphan, isn't dead at all. He's living on the back of your professor's head, and has been for _months_. And he wants to return. That's why he wants the Stone. He wants the power. But you get the Stone first. He attacks with spells, but your touch burns him. He flies off, swearing revenge; swearing revenge for the actions of a child, you. You pass out on the cold hard floor. You don't know if anyone's coming to rescue you.

You wake up and find out the dark wizard escaped. And two people are going to die because you couldn't stop him. Then they send you home. Home to your Aunt and Uncle's house. Your aunt and uncle who hate you. They send you to your cousin that likes to hunt you like hounds after a fox. They send you back to the aunt and uncle who made you live in a cupboard for almost ten years. You hope, you hope that things can get better, but they don't. They get worse. Your things are taken away, locked up so you can't use them and bars are put on your window so you can't leave.

A little elf thing shows up in your room and tells you not to go back to school. Tells you to stay with your aunt and uncle, your aunt and uncle who hate you, because it isn't safe at school. Tells you to stay home. You argue, you try to get some more information, but it refuses. Then at dinner it makes a platter float. Your uncle is furious with you. He's saying all these horrible things about what he's going to do to you. And then, and then a letter shows up. Oh no! You've been expelled. You've been expelled and it wasn't your fault, but the elf thing is gone. Gone who knows where.

Eventually you get rescued and make it to the train, but the entrance is closed. You can hear, on the other side, you can hear the train pulling out of the station and you're not on it. You make it to school and only almost die five times from either nearly falling out of the flying car or flying the car into a tree, a tree of a type that has been known to kill people. You get to school and for a short time it seems like things are getting back to normal, but then a cat is attacked. A cat is attacked and then people are attacked. The people are frozen, petrified, not dead, but only barely.

And people think it's your fault. They think it's your fault because you can talk to snakes. Your friend abandons you because everyone thinks you're just like the man who killed your parents. You're almost alone. And then you are, because your other best friend is attacked by the same thing that attacked the others. But you find out where it is, you and your other friend, who only grudgingly decided it wasn't your fault, that you weren't the attacker, you and your friend go to your professor, the replacement for the one who tried to steal the Stone, and he tries to cast a spell in the tunnel.

The tunnel collapses, separating you from your friend. But you keep going. You keep going passed the snake door and into the Chamber of Secrets. There's a strange boy there. Your friend's sister is on the ground unmoving. The strange boy reveals that he's the same as the man who murdered your parents. He's been attacking people all along. And he's got your wand. He calls out a command and a snake, the largest snake you've ever seen, a snake larger than you even thought possible, starts attacking you. It opens its mouth and all you see are teeth.

Wouldn't this be a great time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame, humiliation and certain death out of your mouth quite like Bebop-A-Reebop Rhubarb Pie.

"One little thing can revive a guy,  
and that is a piece of rhubarb pie.  
Serve it up, nice and hot  
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought  
Momma's little baby loves rhubarb rhubarb,  
Be-Bop-A-Re-Bop Rhubarb Pie"

And then you realize your mother's been dead for almost all of your life... Might as well have a second slice.

Harry paused and looked around for the source of the narration.

"But I don't even _like_ rhubarb!"


	2. (s)Mothering

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**A Hogwarts Home Companion**

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a Harry Potter/Prairie Home Companion crossover

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By DireSquirrel

(who doesn't own any of this)

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Act II

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Regulus Black bent down and called out the name of his childhood home, throwing a bit of magical dust into fire.

"Oh, look Orion, Reggies come to call!" Walburga said in glee from the other side. "Oh Reggie, I hope it's not too hard to call up your dear old mother. Your mother who's so alone save for your father."

"Hi, Mum," Regulus said demurely. "I wanted to call to tell you the good news."

"Well, I'm glad you called anyway," Walburga replied. "At least you're calling your dear, ailing mother a little even if it's only when you have good news. I mean, it's not like you don't have a fireplace right in the common room at Hogwarts. But I'm sure it's been broken and that's why you haven't called me all week."

"Yes, Mum," Regulus replied. "I wanted to tell you, I got into Oxford!"

"Oxford?" his mother asked.

"Yes, Mum, the university," her younger son replied.

"Why would you go there?" she asked. "If you've got the time to apply there you could at least take the time to call your poor, ailing mother."

"Mum," Regulus said. "I want to be an English Major."

"Oh, why would you ever do that?" she asked.

"Well, I've always liked poetry and Oxford has always been my greatest ambition," Regulus replied.

"But you'll never get a job as an English major," his mother replied. "You should apply to the Death Eaters, Honey. Why I was talking with Demonica Flint the other day, you know Demonica, don't you Honey? And she says her son applied just out of Hogwarts and he's already in the Inner Circle."

"Mum, lots of English Majors have been really successful," Regulus replied. "Just look at Albus Dumbledore."

"Oh now, honey, you can do so much better than that," Walburga replied.

"Mum."

"His father was the right sort," she continued.

"Mum!"

"But he and his brother just don't understand, but they're halfbloods, so you can never expect them to really do the right thing," Walburga rambled on.

"Mum! He's got three full time well paying jobs. He's been offered the Minister's position _five_ times," Regulus pointed out.

"You should talk with Lucius Malfoy, Reggie. Demonica says they're always looking for more people," his mother said before turning to yell to her husband. "Orion, come tell your son to join up with the Death Eaters."

Soon Walburga's face was replaced by that or Orion Black.

"Hi, Dad," Regulus said.

"Hullo," Orion replied.

"Dad, I got into Oxford," Regulus replied. "I'm going to be an English Major."

"hmmm," Orion replied.

"I'm really happy, Dad," Regulus replied.

"hn." grunted his father.

"I can finally work on my poetry and maybe even write that novel I always had in the back of my mind," Regulus pointed out, a slightly begging tone in his voice.

"..." said Orion.

"I want you to be proud of me, Dad," Regulus argued.

"Orion! Tell him to join up with the Death Eaters!" Walburga called out from the next room.

"Listen to you mother, Son," Orion said.

"It was nice talking with you, Dad," Regulus called out just before his father's head vanished from the flames. A moment or two later his mother was back. "Mum, I really want to go to Oxford."

Walburga dabbed at the tears in the corners of her eyes. "All I wanted was one son to live up to the hopes and dreams your father and I had for you both. And your brother was such a disappointment. I had so many hopes for you. All your poor mother wanted was for you to join a Dark organization, but no, that's too much trouble for my English Major son, even after everything Sirius did to embarrass the family."

Regulus hung his head as the guilt started to seep in.

"Fine, Mum," he said. "I'll join the Death Eaters."

"Oh don't go out of your way on my account," she replied. "I'm just your lonely mother, dealing with an empty nest who rested all her hopes and dreams on you."

"Mum, I said I'd do it," Regulus replied.

"Now, just because you'll have steady work doesn't mean you can't take time out to call your mother," Walburga replied.

"I've got to go," Regulus replied.

"Oh, I know, too busy to talk to your mother," Walburga pointed out.

"Bye Mum," Regulus said.

* * *

_Two Months Later..._

Walburga sobbed over her younger son's casket. Orion looked down stoically at the perfectly preserved body, a clear case of the Killing Curse.

"Huh," said Orion. "Shoulda been an English Major."


	3. Brought to you by Ketchup

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**A Hogwarts Home Companion**

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a Harry Potter/Prairie Home Companion crossover

By DireSquirrel

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(who doesn't own any of this)

* * *

_This part of our story is brought to you by the Magical Ketchup Board and the International Conclave of Magical Condiment Producers._

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Act III

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"These are the good years for us, Narcissa," Lucius said. "Draco is off at Hogwarts, doing the Dark Lord's bidding, your sister has someone in the dungeon to torture and so she isn't up here with us, and Severus has finally stopped brewing in the parlor. Why when my boy completes his mission for the Dark Lord, we'll be living the good life once again."

"Lucius, I can't take it anymore! With my little Dragon at Hogwarts and that mission from the Dark Lord, and then there's the whole thing with my sister moving in with us, and then there's Snape being so agreeable," Naricissa panicked in a slightly manic tone. "I can't take it! I can't take the Dark Lord stealing out Veela Down bed on top of everything else!"

"Let's not get to hasty, dear," Lucius said worriedly.

"He took my _bed_! Do you have any idea how many Veela it took to make that mattress? No, no you don't because you've been too busy playing around with Cornelius Fudge! Is there something I should know about you two?" Narcissa demanded, pacing around the room, her hands clenching and stretching over and over.

"What's brought this on?" Lucius asked.

"I had a flashback," she said. "I remembered that time in my 4th year when Andy came back late and passed out in my bed. Then she talked in her sleep about all the things muggles do when doing this thing called 'Swinging.'" She sat down then immediately stood back up. "Then Bella walked in and started using my toothbrush to get mudblood out of her dress."

"That was a long time ago, Narcissa," Lucius reminded her.

"It felt like it was just yesterday! And Bella acted like a Scourgify was going to make everything okay!"

"Cissy," Lucius said calmly. "I don't think you're getting enough [magical] Ketchup."

"What?"

"[Magical] Ketchup has natural magical mellowing agents that help you accept your place in the world," Lucius assured her.

"_These are the good times_," a voice sang out. "_It's time for a new start. Time is like [magical] ketchup spread on a treacle tart. Ketchup... Ketchuuuup_!"

"[Magical] ketchup." Voldemort said, striding through the room. "For the good times."

"_Ketchup! Ketchup!_"

Lucius and Narcissa looked at the singing rat with flat looks.

"Wormtail," Lucius said. "Get out of my parlor."


End file.
